Reid My Mind

TR:
Hey, what’s up Y’all. Just a quick note that this episode contains real brief mentioning of depression and suicide. But it’s brief! Now onto the episode.

TR in Conversation with Krystle:
Is there anything that you would want to tell a young Krystle, now, if you could go when you first got diagnosed, ?

Krystle:
I would say to myself that it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. It’s okay to feel what I’m feeling.

TR:
That’sKrystle Allen. You heard her episode last week, at least you should have. If not, please go check it out. This season in The Art of Adjustment, I’m following each episode featuring a guest with what I’m calling a continuous self-portrait. I’ll take parts of our conversation that connect with my own personal experience and discuss it here with you. It’s a way to move a bit beyond host and producer. I do it occasionally. But we’re family after all, and families share with one another. If you or your family member is adjusting to blindness or any disability for that matter. I know things feel confused, lots of uncertainty and a wide range of emotions going on at the same time. But that uncertainty starts to fade. And yes…

Krystle:
It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.

TR:
Things start to become Krystle clear. I’m Thomas Reid. Welcome back to Reid My Mind Radio.

— Reid My Mind Radio Intro

TR:
I often ask guests to time travel back to their early days of adjustment and give their younger self some advice on adjusting to disability. It’s not a clever question, but it does allow for reflection. It’s specific to the individual but the advice often applies to others. For Krystle, who went inward and spent a lot of time and quiet thought. I’m sure she had the burning question. Will I be okay?

Here’s the setting from my personal experience with blindness. I just moved into a new home in a new state with a new baby, my six-year-old and my wife. My brother recently passed away and that left my mother alone in the house. Nothing felt “normal”. I realized today, I wasn’t grounded. No wonder it felt like I was having an out of body experience.

Krystle says she was quiet for a year. My blindness came as an adult. A year of silence I don’t think was ever an option for me.

Allow me to reflect.

TR talking to himself:
I’m waiting for my interviewee to arrive. We had an appointment.
Sound of Voice Over on iPhone
pm

— Sound of telephone ringing.

“Hello”
TR:
My guest was actually supposed to join me live in person. It’s all good though. She lives pretty close to the studio.

— Door creaking

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
How are you?

Marlett:
Good.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You wanna state your name for the people

Marlett:
Marlett Reid

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
you want to give an image description?

Marlett:
Oh, wow, I didn’t come prepared to describe myself. Dark skin, oval face full lips.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You know, I do a lot in the area of description and talking about this stuff. seems kind of odd that my wife would not have an image description. If somebody asked me, Hey, Thomas, what’s taxes. I could tell them

Marlett:
Not really.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I can talk about taxes.

— Noise

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Hey! What was that? (Laughing)

Marlett:
The chair. The chair’s going down. That’s not me! (Defensively)

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
(Long loud boisterous laugh)

Marlett:
Oh God! (Annoyed)
TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Did it fall by itself? Because it sinks. It’s annoying, right?

Marlett:
Yeah.
TR in Conversation with Marlett:
So I invited you here today to chat a little bit. And I really just mean a little bit. (Laughing)

Marlett:
That’s fine.
TR in Conversation with Marlett:
So we’re gonna go back. I want to know if you remember after I returned home from the hospital, and I was laid up in the bed like that time. And to be honest with you, I don’t have a lot of memories. I want to know, what do you remember about those first? Let’s say the first month, which was February, it was right around this time. What do you recall about that?

Marlett:
I just remember being sad. I do remember saying to myself okay, I must find a way to fix this.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Fix what?

Marlett:
Find a way where we can get your site back.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:

How did that work out? (Laughing)

Marlett:
It didn’t workout.

Tr
I can joke about this kind of thing today. Marlette well, not so much. I won’t joke about blindness or any aspect of disability with just anyone though. My daughters and I can really find some of these things quite entertaining. But I know they aren’t ableist and I know they don’t see me as less than.

I know my wife doesn’t see me as less than it’s just not what tickles her Funny Bone. Any movie featuring a grown man screaming? Well, she finds that hysterical.

— Scene from “Blank Man” where he gets slapped and screams like a “Girl”.

Marlett:
I was worried about the future. It seemed like you were depressed, you weren’t motivated?

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Was that based on anything that I was doing? Because I just got home and I was just like, I was just here , to cut my head open. (Laughs)

Marlett:
Yes, I know they cut your head open. (Reluctant giggle)

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Give a brother some time!

Marlett:
I did give you time. but I knew that you can’t stay in that space.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Was there a timeframe? Like, did they tell you okay, “he shouldn’t stay in bed for more than whatever or he needs to get out and start head spinning by three days?” (A mocking voice)
What was your expectation in terms of the time?

Marlett:
Raven was young.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
She was a baby.
Marlett:
right, she was a baby.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Months, like two or three months?

Marlett:
Right! So I wanted to make sure that she kind of got the same experience that Riana got, you know, with daddy daughter day, spending time with daddy. And so far. I felt like, if you stay there, that’s not going to happen. Like, I want you to get up.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I remember her hanging out with me. But go ahead.

Marlett:
yeah, of course. You always been a great dad, you’ve always been great. I cannot take that from you know, even when you weren’t. I always say when you weren’t like fully there. I needed my husband to get up.

TR
Here’s the thing, y’all. I don’t think I was so called down for that long. And it wasn’t necessarily my choice.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
So from my recollection, I swear Marlett…

Marlett:
Your what?

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Huh!

Marlett:
Your what?

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Did I say that wrong?

–The couple laughs

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I’m gonna have to replay that. I’m not even gonna take it out.

recollection. Did I not say that?

But from my that, I swear, it probably wasn’t two weeks, it was probably more than that. But I swear it felt like it

Marlett:
It definitely wasn’t a month. I didn’t give you a month. I remember in my head saying he’s gonna get out of this bed one way or the other.

TR
I wasn’t in the bed. I just wasn’t going out. I mean, I was going out to doctor’s appointments. But that’s it. Where was I supposed to go? In February, after eight days in the hospital as a newly blind person with no blindness skills. But I do understand Marlett’s point and concern. She was looking to get back to normal.

marlett:
If I was going somewhere and everybody would be like where’s your husband? Are you by yourself? Because if I asked you, and even that took a while. So you were just like, Nah, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to do that. This is important. Because prior to that surgery and you coming home on February 4, we didn’t do a lot of stuff.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
No, of course not.

Marlett:
And I understand. But that’s an important part of this journey.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You think so?

Marlett:
For me, as to why you want to know why I didn’t give you that much time. Because we were going through it.
(TR Laughing)

Why is that funny?

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Because!

You’re not saying like we were supposed to be doing something?

Marlett:
weren’t. We weren’t.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Because, I had the cancer going on. And everything and we were doing doctor’s visits.

Marlett:
Yeah, that’s about it. Yes.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
And we had a new baby.

Marlett:
We had a new baby. And we were just, we were just here in the house.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Okay! And so that so you saying that played a factor in you? Okay. I never even thought that that would but Okay, that’s interesting. You did? Okay. I don’t.

Marlett:
Because remember, we used to do things you would always come up with things to do, because it really was you. And we would do a lot of things.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Ok, All right. Good context. Good context. That’s cool. I’ll accept that. I’ll accept that. So you’re saying that plus the fact that you were like, Yo, you just thought he gonna be depressed, which is probably natural. Yeah. For you to think that and for somebody to feel that.

Marlett:
Yeh, that was fine.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
But you’re saying he ain’t gonna stay there. I’m not gonna give him to the end of February.
Marlett:
I don’t remember the timeframe, as well as you seem to, but I know in my head I was like I’m going to give him two weeks.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Okay. All right. So that’s probably why I have that timeframe. So this is probably right. I don’t think we went out but I think you started asking me stuff, bugging me about no disrespect, about going out. What’s the time that you remember going out?

Unknown
)With some delay) I don’t remember.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Well, let me go back. Think about that. Put that in the back burner. And I want to know, what were you hoping to accomplish by telling me that I need to get up and get out?

Unknown
We’re a couple. So if somebody asked me, Oh, can you come over and let’s do this or do that, and they had their spouse, I wanted mine there.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
So what were you hoping to accomplish?

Unknown
I wanted you to get out of where you were, I didn’t know where that would lead.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You’re talking about mentally…

Marlett:
I would ask you, are you okay? How do you feel? And you would say that you were fine. You never really told me? You never really talked about it?

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
What?

Marlett:
I’m afraid Well, you know, is he thinking suicide. And you would say, I’m fine. In my mind, I’m thinking, Okay, fine. We have to figure all of this out. If he’s upstairs, we can’t figure this out.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Hmm! So this was before the Karen and Shelly.

TR
shout out to both my rehab counselor, and my orientation and mobility instructor. I know across the country in different states, including Pennsylvania, there are all sorts of reasons that delay newly blind people from getting the training they need, yet we expect them to get back out into society without the necessary skills. It took a couple of months for me, and that was mainly due to Marlett’s advocacy. These skills were a crucial part in helping me build back my confidence.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
What do you remember about the first time going out?

Marlett:
? The stairs.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
The stairs?

Marlett:
Yeah, everybody would stair.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Oh, stairs.

TR
(Chuckles)What a great example of the communication challenges couples face after blindness. Chances are when marlett said stairs, she opened her eyes wide or gestured in some way. If I could see her, I would immediately know that she meant stairs as in watching our every move, not the stairs leading to a new level. Communication is key y’all!

Abbot & Costello
Well, then who’s playing first?
Yeah.
I mean the fellas name on first base.
Who?
The fella playing first base for St. Louis.
Who.
The guy on first base.
Who was on first?
What are you asking me for?

TR in Conversation with Marlett

Where did we go?

Marlettt:
I don’t remember, Sorry.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Nah, ok, okay. I think I do.

Marlett:
Where?

TR
I’m Pretty sure it was Easter. So that means it was actually either the end of March or April, we went to my sister in law’s house. The only thing I recall about that day was the husband of a new neighbor couple that they befriended. We just moved out here. So I didn’t know this guy. He was acting like he knew me. He kept going on about how I need to get out the house saying stuff like we hear Your friends are here.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
And I didn’t even think about it until I’m thinking about this now. Was that like the purpose of that? For me to get out the house?

Marlett:
I don’t even think that. I think that came out of his own like…

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
so he just assumed this?

Marlett:
I’m guessing so!

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I should have punched him in his face.

Marlett:
I don’t know why!

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Cause I didn’t know him? And he was talking mad junk. like, Yo, you know, we’re friends, this is what we got to do and it’s like, yo Bee, you don’t know meSon. I just met you. Who are you?

TR
Okay, that was a little much. That’s a lesson in getting caught up in your own conspiracy theory. I mean, who does that? Knowing what I know today, I think this kind gentleman probably meant well, he was trying to be positive. I’m sure he wasn’t comfortable around someone newly blind. That was probably hard for him. I’m sure he didn’t know what to talk about. He was probably just trying to let me know he was on my side.

(Brief pause)

Ahhhh!

Two things can be true at the same time.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I don’t even know you, son.

TR
We weren’t friends. But then again, if we’re gonna keep it real, Crystal reminded me that some friends turn out to not really be friends when disability enters the picture.

Krystle
And I lost a lot of friends at 16 because my friends thought that I was strange. Now that I was losing my eyesight. Because I had a cane. They felt like Krystle you can see you don’t need that cane with you. And I’m like, I do need the cane because I can’t see everything anymore. We were going into a club one time y’all need to take that why you got to take that with you. I’m like because you not gonna hold on to me all night, are you? You know, so some friends. They kind of grew out of our friend season.

TR
Fax.
By the way, I have some thoughts about an episode about the impact of disability on relationships. If you’re interested in sharing some of your stories, hit me up at ReidMyMindRadio@gmail.com.

Marlett:

Thomas in Conversation with Marlett
I’m not interrogating you!

Marlett:
I answered it by saying that this was important because we used to do things together. Go out and this was the plan when we came up here. And we had a hiccup in that plan.

TR
hiccups are annoying, but they pass. Hiccups can be distracting. That’s both to the person experiencing them. And those in earshot.

I watched several newly blind people over the years fall victim to distractions, I worry about those new to blindness today, we have a lot more access in comparison to 20 years ago. Of course, that’s great. But it can also be a real distraction for some.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I think about this. If I had access to the stuff that I have access to now, movies with AD, the books, the…

Marlett:
The books, You were going through …
TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I wasn’t going through that many books because it was just those CDs…

Marlett:
Right, and they were just coming in the mail…

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, there wasn’t. I had like two, but I didn’t have the NLS yet.

Marlett:
Okay,

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I didn’t have that yet. What I’m saying is that if I had Netflix and stuff like that,

Marlett:
yeah, two weeks!

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I would be still in that bed Bee. (Laughing)

Marlett:
We would argue, but I would have said, two weeks.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You would have had to take my phone. (Laughs)

TR
I’m not saying that access to these things isn’t valuable. Heck, no. I think it’s more about how we use that access. Temporary healthy escapes are fine, but please, don’t stay there. During my conversation with crystal, I was reminded that what can appear as a distraction may actually contribute to a person moving forward.

Krystle
I think I was silent for almost a year. All I would do is go to sleep. Listen to music. Oh my god tweets southern hummingbird album. That was it. For me. That was my medicine. I used to listen to that all the time in the house. Crystal’s

TR
We know disability requires an adjustment from the individual and their families. It got me wondering, did Marlett have any music that helped her during our early days,

Marlett:
it was a song that I listened to when I was younger. When I would watch you I remember you know, Marlett you did that. When I was going through something, I would just lay on the, like it was a futon or couch or couch or whatever it was called. And I played this one song all the time. The lyrics were written by Charlie Chaplin, Geoffrey Parson, and John Turner. And the person who sang the song was Diana Ross.
— Music starts softly in the background
And the songs name is smile.
(As Marlett recites the lyrics the song’s lyrics are sung in the back ground.)
There’s a section and she says,
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile
What’s see use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just Smile

And I replay that over and over and over. I know that the song was about strength that we had an ourselves it was also for me to go into that time. So when I would come upstairs, and I was like, he has to smile again.
He has to get up.

TR
I would have never guessed Diana Ross. If anything, I thought it was gonna be Mary J Blige. Marlett, she’s more of a movie person than a music person. Sci-Fi all day.

All forms of art can be encouraging. What’s your thing?
For me, it’s definitely music. Both lyrics and instrumentation. I found myself repeating Chuck D’s line from “Welcome to the Terror dome”. I got so much trouble on my mind. Refuse to lose.
That song just gets me hype for anything. But there were two albums and specific songs that really resonated with me. Kanye West “Jesus Walks that was that old Kanye!
TR in Conversation with Marlett:
And I’m not a religious person, you know? But the devil is trying to bring me down. Jesus Walks. Like something’s trying to bring you down. The devil’s trying to bring you … you know that was my mother’s thing, anything that’s negative is the devil.

Marlett:
When things are going good, the devil comes in and he tries to pull you down.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
the other one was when you got me because you thought I would like it, the John Legend CD. You were like, you’re gonna like this. This is your style. And I was like you don’t know my style. (Laughing) And I’m like ah damn, she knows my style.

The couple laughs.

When it’s cold outside there’s no need to worry because I’m so warm inside. You give me peace when the storm’s outside… yeh, that joint. That joint right there! Woo!

— Swoosh effect
TR:
Hey Y’all, not sure if you noticed, but in these last two episodes, there’s been a bunch of references to music or dancing which sort of inherently implies music.
I created a public playlist on Spotify with songs that were inspired by or actually mentioned in these two episodes.
I’ll link you there on this episodes blog post. If you’re on Spotify, search for Dancing with Reid My Mind Radio.
Back to the episode
— Reverse swoosh effect

TR
Art really does play a significant role in our adjustment. multiple roles in fact. Distraction, escape, healing, encouraging, motivating, both as a consumer and a creator.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Thinking about it now, you know a lot more now then you did then about well this experience but in general, I would say mental health. Right? How do you think you would handle that today? What do you think your reaction would be? Would you still have a two week timeframe?

Marlett:
Oh yeah!

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You would? (Laughing)

Marlett :
Yeh, hmm hmm, yeh!

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
So I’m correct in saying I never had a chance to get more than…

Marlett:
No you didn’t. I definitely would have had two weeks.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You think two weeks is enough?
Marlett:
I definitely would have two weeks. And not not to get over it. But to get up. So if you think …

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I was up! I wasn’t laying in the bed.

Marlett:
I needed you present. You were not present.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Ok, I may have not been present.

Marlett:
I needed you present. I needed to. I’m not saying that. Two weeks because you would sit a lot in that chair. You had a chair that you were sitting in that chair and I…

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I sat on the couch.
on the couch.
Marlett:
It was a chair over here and maybe the couch downstairs, but you sat.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
No the chair wasn’t up here that you talked about in the room. That wasn’t up here at that time.

Marlett:
I had a chair on my side and you had a chair…

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Oh wait, wait, wait, way you write you write you write? I didn’t sit in that chair.

Marlett:
You sat in the chair. You sat in that chair, sometimes it would be all the way back. And I was like Oh, he’s got to get up outta there.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Oh, maybe I did. Damn, now I don’t remember.
I remember being downstairs.

Marlett:
You weren’t really downstairs too much.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I was watching Comedy Central.

Marlett:
Okay!

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
That wasn’t up here oh, maybe I had it up here too. Oh, you might be right.
I don’t know if I’m going to use any of this. (Giggles)

Marlett:
Huh!

TR
The small details that we think are so important at a given time, apparently fade away. I guess they don’t really matter. What I get now is that my wife just wanted her husband. How can I be upset with that?
Two weeks. That’s it y’all!

— Music begins A mellow romantic groove.?
TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Yeah. I was a little angry about the two weeks. But I feel like because I was thinking that two weeks was to go and get out. And I feel like you’re right. It was just to get up. And then to get moving. Damn, this might make me look bad.
look bad. But it is what it is. It’s the real truth.

Marlett:
Did you think you were perfect?

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
No.

Marlett:
Is that your ego?

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
No.

Marlett:
So what is it then? For you to think that you deserved more time than what you got? Why? Why would you think that?

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
Because it was hard.

TR
It was hard because I wasn’t ready? Like Krystle said in the beginning.

Krystle
It’s okay to feel what I’m feeling.
TR in Conversation with Marlett:
I guess you get props for this then.
Well, thank you. (Kiss)

Marlett:
I think that was my job to do as your wife.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
That’s cool. I could still say thank you.
TR
Shout out to eyes like mine, Krystle Allen for inspiring this episode.

Shout out to the Queen of the Reid Compound, My wife of just about 30 years y’all Marlett. I appreciate you sharing your time. It’s tax season. So she extra busy right now. But also sharing your truth.

Since we’re talking about sharing, why not share this podcast with your friends and family? There’s lots of folks out there adjusting to disability individuals and their families. And yes, of course, there’s some real challenges. I just think it’s easier when you don’t go it alone.

That’s why we’re here.

Now here’s what you can say to your friends and family.

Hey, fill in the blank. I need to tell you about this dope podcast I just know you’re going to dig. It’s called Reid My Mind Radio. You can find it wherever you get podcasts. They have transcripts and more at ReidMyMind.com.
Check this. You have to know how to spell it the right way. I mean, it’s really the only way.

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You want to do the sign off?

Marlett:
Sure.

R to the E I D!

D, D,D! (Giggles)

TR in Conversation with Marlett:
You don’t do that part!

The couple laughs!

Marlett:
Like my last name.

— Reid My Mind Radio Outro

Marlett:
peace

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